"we're not playing a deck of cards here," the yvr pre-clearance border agent snarls at me.

when i watched slice's border security, a television show all about the canadian border services agency, i have to admit that i was kind of impressed by the work that they did. they were professional, they served a purpose, and they did a really good job of it. the show actually made me feel more positively about all those border security officers. and for the most part, they're really not that bad.

and while not exactly the same thing, i have found that the american border people are of the same caliber. but then there are days like friday, when i crossed through the yvr pre-clearance station en route to america, that you realize that things aren't that great. and that sometimes, you wish that they'd show cases like that on border security. and while this post is about the american pre-clearance border officer, i know that similar things have happened on the canadian side too.

in this particular situation, i've passed through security at yvr. just past security, there's a small area to take your iris scan for the nexus. it shoots off a ticket for you to bring to the counter. it tells you to bring your blue declaration card along with the print out. it doesn't say passport, although for the seasoned airport travelers, the passport thing should be obvious. as a seasoned land crossing traveler, i have yet to ever be asked to produce my passport. so that part i had legitimately forgotten about.

i arrive at the counter and a couple is still at the counter cleaning up their stuff. the agent, who's name i still remember but have the decency to keep off the internet, waves for me to step forward. but there are still people there. he gets impatient, and asks "what are you waiting for?" uh, well, i'm waiting so that i don't have to share more of my personal details with other random travelers who are still at your counter. of course, inside thoughts only. i approach the counter.

i start to hand him my things. i have my asiana card in my hand, so i try to place the all the appropriate details onto the counter without giving my asiana card. nexus print out. blue declaration card, nexus card, boarding pass. and i do it one by one. while it wasn't slow, it was clearly not fast enough for him. "what are you doing?" he asks me. i have no idea what he means, because while i may have had some psychiatric training in my residency, mind reading was not one of those skills.

"why are you so slow?" he asks me again as i continue to put my items on the table in front of him. and then the clincher: "we're not playing a deck of cards here." i give him a bewildered whiskey-tango-foxtrot look because i honestly could not help it. and he waits, expecting me to mind read. oh, he wants my passport too. so i quickly fish it out. and then he asks me all of the regular intrusive and absurd questions. then, as if trying to backtrack, he asks me, "no really, i'm curious, why would you put your things down on the table one by one?"

i can understand the intrusive and absurd questions. i mean, this is their way of making sure i wasn't smuggling drugs, or taking illegal employment, or bringing fresh strawberries in my carry on. but i have no idea how putting my items down carefully on the table is a tip off for illegal immigration. nor do i understand how describing my actions as playing a deck of cards is meant to make me confess that i'm hiding something dangerous.

as a doctor, there are patients who are extremely psychomotorly slowed. or sometimes they just don't understand questions or directions. sometimes you tell them to increase their medication but they misunderstand and they don't. but you give them the benefit of the doubt first. and then, if they keep doing it, you remain professional. if a patient was slowly handing me their medication bottles one by one in a busy emergency room and i said, "hurry up, we're not playing a deck of cards here," i would be called out for unprofessional behaviour.

in fact, i can hardly think of any profession where this particular agent's response could be considered professional. and for someone who acts as a gateway to what they would like to think of as the best nation in the world, i have to admit that this act of unprofessionalism (which, according to spell check, is not a word) is kind of an embarrassment. although now that i write this, i suppose that there's a reason why they don't show these kinds of segments on television.